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User blog:Dio the Ludicolo/An erotic fanfiction about Big Smoke eating Jinpachi's beard
The title says it all. Expect to cringe. A lot. And yes, they will be very out-of-character. SCREEECH! The sound of rubber burning against asphalt rung throughout the near-empty parking lot of a Cluckin' Bell late at night. A blue Glendale with a white roof sped into a spot, just barely hitting its mark. On the back of the car, a license plate read: "A2TMFK". This, of course, stood for "A Two-Ton Motherfucker". Said two-ton motherfucker opened the door to his vehicle and climbed out. He wore a fedora and glasses, and he had a goatee around his mouth. This was Melvin Harris, more commonly known as Big Smoke. He usually ordered through the drivethru, but it was late at night and he wasn't with anybody, so he figured "why not?". Big Smoke walked up to the door of the Cluckin' Bell, and walked inside. What he saw in front of him might have been the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Before him stood a muscular, shirtless man with big and flowing pants. On his face rested the best beard the world had ever seen. It stood upright, defying the laws of physics, as if thousands of dollars worth of gel had gone into it. His eyebrows stood off of his face with almost as much impressiveness as his beard. This man was Jinpachi Mishima. He was standing in front of the counter, placing an order. Big Smoke had to think quick. He walked up behind Jinpachi as nonchalantly as he could, hoping to whisper something seductive into his ear. He leaned in close, and spoke in a way that no man could refuse. "It's high noon." Jinpachi slowly turned around and looked at Big Smoke. He wore a smile across his face, showing that he was clearly into it. He wiggled his massive eyebrows in a sexy manner, causing every employee in the Cluckin' Bell to have a heart attack. Big Smoke and Jinpachi were alone. Jinpachi made the first move. He quickly grabbed Big Smoke by the hand and caressed it against his face. Big Smoke could feel the majestic bristles of Jinpachi's magical beard rub between his fingers. He moaned with delight, giving Jinpachi a huge smile. He leaned in, and rubbed his facial hairs against Big Smoke's. Things were about to take a dirty turn very quickly. Big Smoke stuck out his tongue, and licked Jinpachi's beard. He felt bristles push against his taste buds, and to his surprise, it tasted like strawberries! He licked the beard once more, and this time it tasted like syrup! Each time Big Smoke licked Jinpachi's beard, a new flavor was unleashed. Big Smoke began to make out with Jinpachi's massive beard hairs, all the while Jinpachi letting out small moans of delight. Big Smoke took the next step and put the beard in his mouth. He began to succ on it with ferocity, tasting a delicious whirlwind of flavors. First mango, then bubble gum, then chocolate! The flavors seemed to never end. He shoved the protruding beard down his throat, taking it as deep as he possibly could. Jinpachi moaned even louder. Big Smoke took the beard so deep that he couldn't handle anymore. He coughed, and removed the beard from his throat. Big Smoke went at the beard again, this time nibbling at the edges. This caused Jinpachi to let out a massive moan, and Big Smoke could tell that he liked it. He began to chew on the beard, absorbing the taste into his taste buds. He chewed at the beard so much that he bit off a piece. He chewed vigorously, not letting up. By the minute, Jinpachi's beard began to shrink, disappearing into Big Smoke's stomach. Jinpachi couldn't take it anymore. He was filled with so much pleasure that he had to let it out. He released the loudest moan ever, shattering the windows of the establishment that they were in. When he finished, he realized that he had been clean-shaven. His gravity-defying beard with infinite flavors was gone. Jinpachi looked up to see Big Smoke standing before him. He didn't look good. He looked as if he was about to vomit, and that was probably a safe assumption. However, what happened next defied all logic. Big Smoke's skin suddenly began to stretch. His eyes grew to unnatural sizes, shifting their shape ever-so-slightly. Extra arms erupted out of his side, but these were arthropodic in nature. Antennae burst end through his forehead and began to move around violently. Suddenly, his skin burst off of him to reveal a massive butterfly. Its wings were beautiful, with every color imaginable in awe-inspiring patterns. It spread those wings, and began to take off into the night sky through the broken windows. However, Jinpachi wouldn't let that happen. He ran outside and jumped into the air, grabbing the butterfly by a leg. He dragged it down out of the air. He then pinned the butterfly down by the wings and began to dig his face into the bugs torso. He sunk his teeth into the fragile membranes covering the majestic beast, ripping bites off like a wild animal. Blood splattered on the pavement from the wounds, and the screams of the butterfly were eerily like those of children, combined with Mongolian throat singing. Jinpachi attacked as if taken over, shredding the abdomen to pieces with his bare hands. The butterfly was alive throughout, allowing terrible shrieks of pain to escape its maw. Then, after the bug had been all but destroyed, Jinpachi ripped the butterfly's head off of its body. He dug into it, making crunching noises with every bite. Before long, he began to regrow a beard from the butterfly's properties. He ate and ate and ate, effectively painting the sidewalk and himself red. Finally, when nothing was left, Jinpachi regrew his beard. The end. The moral of the story is that I need to go to the Home Depot to get some noose-grade rope. Category:Blog posts